(I'm just posting this here so I can share it with some people, instead of putting it on my blog
. it's a response to this writing prompt from The Crapper
: "Write a list of ways that you think the world will end.")
11 Ways The World Might End
1. a flaming ball of space chemicals never before recognized by human beings comes flying into the planet, decimating it instantaneously
2. someone is born with a condition where throughout their life, they exude odorless undetectable poison from their body. everywhere they go, the poison is left behind. once the person dies, the poison is activated and everyone of any species who has been near it develops the same condition embedded in their genetic code, so within a few generations, everything and everyone are destroyed.
3. one day, everything just stops. nobody knows why, but nobody could possibly know why, because everything just stopped.
4. everyone forgets how to breathe. air stops circulating. the trees die, and with them dies the memory of how to be able to breathe, so now nobody can ever remember how to breathe again. the end.
5. god attempts a particularly ambitious yoga pose and gets stuck like that. in order to help god out of this yoga pose, a large spheroidal object must be applied to god’s hamstring and used to loosen the tension around god’s buttock so god can release the pose. the planet earth is the spheroidal object of choice. it does an excellent job of releasing god from the yoga pose, but in the process, the planet is destroyed, as no earthly being could withstand such proximity to god’s butthole.
6. the world already ended. we’re just a hallucination of our former selves.
7. as the rate of global warming increases, a fragrant aroma begins to waft off the earth into outer space. the finely tuned radar devices on Xopteron pick up a few blips of this scent and a few highly trained culinary experts are sent to determine its suitability for the Xopteronese palate. the report back is enthusiastic: this planet could be just the right flavorful replacement for our last condiment supply which ran out after we lost the Gukmulchivan War! the Xopteronese government approves the dispatching of condimentation devices for the saucy planet in the Widdershins sector and the Condimentator Squad takes off at once. within hours, the earth is freeze-dried, everything and everyone on it neatly preserved so as to ensure the unique combination of flavors will last as long as possible. the now lifeless and delicious planet is then pulverized by the Condimentator Squad, who gleefully capture every step of the process to be posted on XopTube later that evening. [three weeks later] an angsty adolescent Xopteronian named Vevox sits in zir room in front of zir magnascreen. ze munches sullenly on zir duneburger with extra Terra-sauce, smacking zir lips together as ze stuffs zir face. ze plays the latest Condimentator Squad video again in pieces, chopping up the track and mixing in sound effects and music that zir parents would have declared an “evil influence” if they stepped out of their bubbles long enough to even turn on a magnaudio, much less a magnascreen. the soundtrack Vevox creates is delicately calibrated to emphasize the pain and suffering that the inhabitants of this planet must have felt as the merciless Xopteronians condimentated it. but even the original magnafootage was taken from enough of a distance that it was impossible to actually discern what exactly these Terra-dwellers had experienced, or even if they’d felt anything at all. but to Vevox, this moment in Xopteronian time represented all that was wrong and evil about everything zir culture had created.
a bluish-green drip of Terra-sauce oozed out of the corner of Vevox’s mouth. absently, ze swiped at it with zir hand and licked zir finger to clean it before touching the magnascreen again. mmmm, salty
, ze thought.
8. the sun grows jealous of the wild revels that the mostly-hairless two-legged Earth species engages in on the anniversary of the death of Michael Jackson. “how dare they party it up without me?” the sun shouts. “i own every record ever released by the Jackson 5!” this is when the earthlings should have known something was up, as the temperature on earth began to increase rapidly with the sun’s shouting, but having already accounted for such abnormalities by the global warming explanation, the surprisingly hot day in mid-November barely registered any concern. but by the time they figured it out, it was too late. the sun had already made up its mind how it would celebrate. the parties raged on all through the night on June 25, 2013, and as the wee hours of the new day began to creep up on the drunken revelers, some wondered in between moonwalking and involuntarily liver detoxification how they would manage to get up for work the next morning. but they needn’t have worried. as the dawn began to unfold, the little insolent planet learned a whole new meaning of daybreak
. the sun had become a giant strobe light. the end.
9. Once upon a time there was an evil sorcerer named Gwakamoli. The sorcerer had no idea that ze was evil, though. Zir family had gone out of their way to hide zir from ever knowing ze had any powers at all. After several generations, they had learned that eating oranges activated the evil powers so they made sure that Gwakamoli never ate any oranges and always told Gwakamoli that ze was deathly allergic to oranges so ze would never try to eat one. Gwakamoli was very attractive and intelligent, and once ze reached adulthood ze married the eldest of the Royal Planqton clan’s offspring, whose name was Mozi. Gwakamoli’s family made sure that Mozi Planqton knew that Gwakamoli could never eat oranges, telling Mozi that Gwakamoli would surely die if ze ate anything with orange in it. But, unbeknownst to Gwakamoli and zir family, Mozi was also an evil sorcerer, though not quite as powerful as Gwakamoli, and had been secretly waiting for just the right opportunity to unleash zir evil on the world. One night, Gwakamoli came home and found that Mozi had baked cookies. “How thoughtful!” said Gwakamoli, kissing zir spouse and then stuffing a few of the delicious cookies into zir mouth. Mozi grinned, knowing that the fateful orange extract ze had baked into those cookies would soon take effect. Their two children, Gunk and Ferosh, smelled the cookies too, and came running in to the kitchen to sample the sweets. Mozi stifled a cackle as they devoured one after another.
Later that night, Gwakamoli led Gunk and Ferosh upstairs for bedtime. Ze tucked the two sweet little children into their beds. “Would you like me to read you a story?” Gwakamoli asked, and with the chorus of “yes! yes!” that resounded, ze pulled a book off the shelf and began to read it to them. The children were enchanted by the adventures regaled in the story. As the tale drew to a close, Gwakamoli asked the children, “What do we say when we get to the last page of the book?” “THE END!!” they shouted. No sooner had they said this than a flash of lightning shook the sky, terrifying Gunk and sending Ferosh into peals of laughter. “The end the end the end the end the end!” hollered little Ferosh. With each word that left Ferosh’s lips, an explosion on the other side of the planet left a nation in ruins, but in their room in the Planqton Palace they had no idea. The lightning abated and an eerie silence settled over the palace. “Can we hear one more story?” Gunk pleaded. “It is too late for one more story!” said Gwakamoli. “The end the end the end!” shouted Ferosh again, setting off another string of enigmatic destruction about which ze had no way of knowing. “That’s right, Ferosh. The end!” said Gwakamoli, and when the powerful adult sorceror under the influence of the orange extract spoke, the oceans began to drain out all at once, flooding nearby villages before the universe slurped up all their liquid like a big salty root beer float, still without any of their knowledge.
Gwakamoli pulled the blankets around Gunk and Ferosh. Gunk had begun muttering the words into their pillow, as if possessed. The end the end the end. “Okay, we get it!” said Ferosh. “It’s the end! Go to sleep!” Gwakamoli felt an odd rushing sensation in zir chest. “Let’s all say it one last time together,” ze said, and as the three of them all yelled “THE END!!” at the top of their lungs, their powers combined and the world was destroyed.
10. “Dammit, Charlie, did you eat all the tacos?” Charlie didn’t answer, but a thick cloud of gas escaped from Charlie’s butt. “Shit! Charlie, you ate all the tacos and now you’re going to...” Gogo never finished that sentence. The smell was too intense. Ze fell down. Charlie thought this was hilarious, and lifted zir butt cheek a little higher to get more leverage before letting the next one rip. The next one was a doozy. It was such a doozy, in fact, that THE WORLD ENDED.
11. One day, the crocodiles and alligators decided it was time to unite around their common goal of quashing the humans. The platypi thought this was a great idea and joined in. The humans tried to resist, but they didn’t last very long. But the crocodiles and alligators soon realized that once they no longer had the humans to quash, they had little in common anymore, especially now that there were no longer even any humans around to affirm their commonalities by mixing them up with one another. As time went on, the post-revolutionary world became less and less appealing to these two very different creatures, and they began to fight with one another. Nobody suspected that the platypi would get so irate about this, as they had mostly kept to themselves after the great quashing, but one day a delegation of platypi marched into the field between the Crocodilian and Alligatrix Embassies and demanded an end to all this ridiculousness. the reptiles steadfastly refused. “You will rue this day,” said the platypi. “Perhaps you wish to reconsider?” It became clear that they had no intention of reconsidering, so the platypi stormed off. They then sent word to their kinfolk in their secret underground lair: IT IS TIME. With a push of a single button, the underground platypi military set off the Final Doomination bomb, which exploded the planet from the inside out, and that was the end of everything.