peaceofπ: irrational, but well rounded

peaceofpie @ 2008-07-06T23:45:00

2008-07-07T03:50:54Z

If anyone would like a long-distance healing session (or an in-person one if you're physically close enough!), please let me know. I may not be able to take a lot of requests if I get inundated, but I will trust the energy to guide me toward who will be best served by it at this time and guide me back to those who would be better served by it at another time.

I spent a lot of time at the Gathering giving and receiving healing energy healing sessions, and I NEED NEED NEED to do more, especially if I find that the massage program is too much physical body and not enough energy work. I need the grounding in physical bodywork and I need to balance that with metaphysical healing work on other people.

peaceofpie @ 2008-07-06T23:42:00

2008-07-07T03:43:20Z

i start massage school tomorrow!

please send good energy. i'm having a lot of fears come up for me about it right now.

peaceofpie @ 2008-07-05T23:31:00

2008-07-06T03:34:16Z

I'm home!

I'm exhausted.

The Gathering was AMAZING. I'll post more about it soon, I promise.

I had no internet the whole week. What did I miss?

peaceofpie @ 2008-06-28T08:28:00

2008-06-28T12:57:33Z

I am leaving for the Friends General Conference Summer Gathering in Johnstown, PA. I'll be gone for a week with extremely limited internet access. Feel free to call me! Calling me during the day today is highly encouraged, now that I've got a cell phone with a working speakerphone, as I'll be driving all day in a Very Straight Line (I-70 goes all the way from Indianapolis to the PA Turnpike and it is the Straightest Most Boring Highway Ever). Johann (my giant teddy bear) is great company, but he doesn't talk much.

I'm excited and nervous, and looking forward to seeing at least a couple of you there!

don't worry, be happy!: some thoughts on jesus, greed, willy wonka, and infinite abundance

2008-06-27T13:29:05Z

I subscribe to a daily Bible study column produced by the Metropolitan Community Church where I attend. It's a very popular column; people all over the world read it, which is one reason I love it...when I read and contemplate it each day, I know that people all over the planet are also reading it, and finding affirmation from a church community with a strong, outspoken commitment to embracing everyone as a Child of God, especially people who have struggled with our sexuality and/or gender identity.

I started writing some thoughts that came up for me as I was considering the passages from today and yesterday's column, and somehow this whole semi-polished piece of writing came out of me. (This is why I don't go to school: I can only produce this kind of work when I'm not doing it "on command", and in fact, I was motivated to write this out of an inexplicable need to procrastinate writing my massage school application essay.)

Yesterday's column is on Luke 12:13-21. In this passage, a farmer comes to Jesus because he wants an equal share of an inheritance with his brother. Jesus's response is basically (in my interpretation), "Dude, why the hell are you bothering me with this materialistic crap? I guarantee God doesn't give a rat's ass how much inheritance you have." I hear him saying that amassing wealth and possessions doesn't do anything for you. You can get your needs met with what you already have. You might have to be more creative about it, but in the long run, amassing creativity is more valuable than material possessions.

Jesus then tells a story about another farmer who had so much stuff from his harvest that ze couldn't hold it all in zir barn. So, ze tore down zir barn and built a bigger one, putting a whole lot of time and energy into making sure ze could keep all the stuff ze had and that it would be protected and that ze wouldn't have to work the rest of zir life because ze already had so much stuff. The farmer's intention was, "If I take all these steps to make sure I have lots of stuff and protect it well now, then later I can relax and do things that I enjoy and amass happiness and not worry about whether or not I have enough stuff."

But the farmer forgot something important: Life is unpredictable. One of the messages I've been working with very passionately recently is the mantra of "Right Now", that the only moment that really exists at any given time is "Right Now". What am I doing Right Now, with my only existing moment? Am I throwing my energy into material possessions so that later I can be close to God, which ultimately what "amassing happiness" is about for me (and if amassing happiness is ultimately about something else to you, that's AWESOME, please amass your own happiness and don't feel pressured to amass mine or expected to seek closeness with something you don't relate to or enjoy!)? Or am I putting my energy toward being close to God right now, toward being happy right now?

Today's passage continues this message with Luke 12:22-34. Jesus goes on to say, "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear." He's not just being flip...he's straight up saying DON'T WORRY because he passionately believes that. I hear him saying that putting your energy into amassing material possessions is an action taken out of fear. When I spend my time worrying about what might go wrong, and making sure I have "stuff" to protect me from misfortune, I'm acting out of fear.

Line 33 is translated differently in different texts, but it contains two important exhortations. The first one is one we hear all the time: give your stuff to other people. The second one is the one I'm focusing on today: Put your energy into infinitely abundant resources. Literal translations use the metaphor "Provide purses/moneybags for yourselves that will not wear out" (NIV/ESV); the more modern interpretation in "The Message" tells us to "Get yourselves a bank that can't go bankrupt, a bank in heaven far from bankrobbers, safe from embezzlers, a bank you can bank on." I personally relate poorly to metaphors about money, so I prefer to think about a fountain that never runs dry. Or a box of chocolate that never empties. Hey, like Willy Wonka's chocolate factory! An endless supply of Holy Spirit Bars! With extra nuts, please.

So, this is my prayer for today.

I put my energy into amassing infinitely abundant resources.
Some of the ones I like a lot are: happiness, love, creativity, peace, curiosity, and laughter.
God, I trust you to make sure I have the material stuff that I need in order to get those things.
I have faith in the Spirit of God within ME to do the things necessary to amass those resources. I trust myself to take care of myself. I choose to act out of love for myself, for others, and for God...not out of fear and worry.

What do you think about these passages and their messages?
What infinitely abundant resources do you like a lot? Don't worry about condensing them into one-word answers; I just wanted to make the prayer short and sweet because I've already given us a lot to think about here.

Also, if you found it difficult to relate to this post because the Bible doesn't work for you for whatever reason, please let me know. I am interested in finding other ways to communicate about these ideas with you and have no need to push you into being inspired by the Bible just because I happen to like it!

peaceofpie @ 2008-06-26T15:35:00

2008-06-26T21:13:21Z

My shrink brought his NEW PUPPY to therapy!!!

It was the best therapy EVER. With a cute little shelter puppy running around and hopping in my lap and barking at the birds out the window, I stayed in a really chill and happy space long enough that we got some REAAAALLY good work done. I told him he has to bring her EVERY TIME now.

aechei and Keenan came to visit me, en route from Northampton to LA. It was AWESOME having them here. I hope they come back sometime.

There's a LOT going on. As usual.

peaceofpie @ 2008-06-22T17:52:00

2008-06-22T22:02:25Z

Someday, my body will not be in pain every time I try to do anything useful with it.

AND ON THAT DAY

I WILL HAVE

A CLEAN APARTMENT.

*glares helplessly at the mess*

It's a LITTLE better than it was an hour ago, but there's no such thing as a little better when it comes to tidying my space. Either it's CLEAN or it's NOT, and there's really NOTHING I can do to turn this place around from NOT, since I'm not Harry Potter and I have neither a wand nor a house elf. But at least I was able to get enough things accomplished in here so that my friend can come over and take my laundry, and hopefully clean my kitchen.

I have people I've never met in person before coming over here in two days, and I'm thoroughly embarrassed by what a wreck this place is probably still going to be then, unless something miraculous on the wand/elf spectrum happens between now and then. :-/

peaceofpie @ 2008-06-21T17:40:00

2008-06-21T21:54:22Z

Thank you all for the prayers and hugs and good stuff, keep 'em coming. The situation is far from resolved, but I have taken excellent care of myself all day and at least for right now I feel like I can handle whatever comes up. I got plenty of sleep last night and I've been meditating, practicing yoga, singing, visiting my neighbor (I have a friend from church living two doors down from me now!!) and drinking good tea all afternoon.

I'm so fucking excited about this concert tonight. Holy shit. Someone from choir fucking GAVE ME A TUXEDO. Like, "here, I just bought one that fits me better, if you like this one go ahead and keep it"!! It's too big but it looks amazing anyway. I hope someone takes photos. And people I love are actually coming to the show TO SEE ME. Because I gave them tickets. And they're all excited about it. Like, they're not JUST coming because I'm cool, they're choir geeks too. And they're the familyest family I've got right now.

Yoga is amazing. I'm excited that I'm doing it. I've started using hand mudras, which is intense as a meditation practice, and both spiritually and physically great for my hands. And I'm getting stronger and more flexible every day.

peaceofpie @ 2008-06-21T06:06:00

2008-06-21T11:43:51Z

Hey Team Awesome,
I don't really want to go into the details here right now, but I'm dealing with some big shit right now and would really appreciate an infusion of prayers, love, positive energy, Reiki, magic mojo, happy thoughts, etc.

Some recent events totally out of my control led to stuff happening yesterday which was bad enough all by itself, but also led to an enormous amount of deep emotional triggers getting set off like the dominoes from hell. I didn't actually even realize how bad it was getting, because I instinctively repress shit so effectively, until I literally almost passed out and had to leave in the middle of dress rehearsal. And I'm someone who's been fighting chronic pain conditions for years, but if I've got choir rehearsal I WILL keep right on singing until it's PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE...which is just how bad it got last night, and I've NEVER reached that point before.
So now on top of the shit that's causing me problems in the first place...now the possibility of my passing out onstage tonight has become a very real and legitimate concern.

I made it home okay, and I've been spiralling between spazzing and repressing ever since, with sporadic stretches of "actually managing to deal with this impressively well". Right now I feel like probably I'm gonna be okay, but I've been back and forth from there enough times in the last 12 hours that I don't exactly have much faith in it as an objective reality.

It's okay to ask me about what's going on, but if I can't deal with talking about it when you ask I'll definitely say so.

peaceofpie @ 2008-06-19T19:34:00

2008-06-20T00:34:30Z

Today is my first testosteroniversary! God what an amazing year of transformation this has been.

This is what's been going on:

I had my 3-week post-op check-up with my surgeon today. I am healing GREAT. I don't need to see him again for 6 months.
YES, my arms are getting better!!! Within 3 days of the surgery I could already clench my fists all the way, and within a week I could sit with my hands supporting me from behind without shaking or falling.
Yoga is going great! I loved the class and will continue with it for [all eternity?! :D]
I am starting massage school on July 7. I will have some physical restrictions the first month or so, but overwhelmingly all the physical and financial and logistical miracles have fallen into place just right and I have the definite go-ahead from my doctor to start classes. This will be an excellent way for me to practice using my body PROPERLY, too.
COME HEAR MY CHOIR SING ON SATURDAY!!! We (the Indianapolis Men's Chorus) are doing our "Sounds of Pride" show on Saturday, June 21 at 8pm at Ben Davis High School.
I'll be at the FGC Summer Gathering from June 28-July 5. I AM EXCITED.

I may not have been entirely clear about this, but my extended limited computer use is NOT TEMPORARY. I will NOT be returning to a lifestyle where I hang out on the internet day in and day out. It is not good for me, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, any-at-all-y. you are NOT going to get the same level of connection with me from reading my journal as you've been accustomed to. I would LOVE to stay in touch with you by phone, and if you would also love this, be sure to let me know...I'll call you, you can call me, we can talk on the phone! Also, I have this sweet apartment now and you can totally come visit me at it!

Please be aware that I am LESS likely to post "updates" like this one, and MORE likely to randomly post when I feel like posting...which means you are unlikely to know what's going on in my life if you only read my LJ. NOT THAT THIS HASN'T ALWAYS BEEN THE CASE...but it's going to become MORE so, not less so, because I'm being intentional about it. Thank you for supporting me in taking care of myself! :)

Also, something seriously unbelievably amazing happened yesterday. Something I've been dreaming of manifesting for a really long time, and I finally got up the balls to take the first step in asking for the help I needed to make it happen. I'm not quite ready to post about it. I'm hardly even ready to believe it myself, either that I actually asked for what I wanted finally or that I got the answer I wanted from the very first person I asked. But it was the best 'versary present I could possibly have given myself.

Life is good. :)

peaceofpie @ 2008-06-18T13:51:00

2008-06-18T17:54:39Z

I am UNBELIEVABLY resistant to change when it comes to my computer.

This is your opportunity to attempt to convince me that switching to Firefox 3 is a better idea than sticking with the perfectly good Firefox I have right now.

peaceofpie @ 2008-06-18T05:11:00

2008-06-18T09:59:29Z

overwhelmed
sore
tired
lonely
sometimes i'm afraid my body is always just going to HURT somehow
feeling like i can't communicate
like i have to be on the computer because that's how to be not alone
which just makes me feel more alone.

peaceofpie @ 2008-06-16T21:21:00

2008-06-17T01:24:17Z

I AM LAYING FLAT ON MY FRONT SIDE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

every front part of me is touching the bed AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!

it's even harder to type like this, though. ;-P

peaceofpie @ 2008-06-14T17:06:00

2008-06-14T22:13:56Z

i hardly got any sleep last night and almost convinced myself that i wasn't in good enough shape to go to Pride at all today. ruby_raindrop talked me into going anyway, and i'm SO glad ze did. i ended up walking there...slowly, but not too painfully...and made it just in time for the parade.

it was an awesome festival. i ran into tons of friends, many of whom i haven't seen since before the surgery, and there was lots of great hugging and catching up and telling people all about my new chest. and there was much rejoicing. :D

the men's choir performed at 1:45. i've never sang with a choir that's this much fun to perform with before! we wore our purple choir polos which are the exact same color as my hair! someone joked that they'd picked that color to match my hair on purpose. i said, "honey, i think y'all picked this color before i was BORN." ;-)

then i got a ride home from my friends, and promptly took off my clothes and had the greatest 3 hour nap EVER. :)

peaceofpie @ 2008-06-14T02:21:00

2008-06-14T07:32:29Z

well, the good news is, my body is getting WAY more effective at letting me know when it's in pain.

this actually IS, i feel, a very good and healthy sign.

even though it means i'm in a heck of a lot of pain right now. :-/

i'm posting right now from the wii. avoiding the computer is really hard, but my body feels SO much better when i do.

my body and i are struggling through an intense releasing phase. i am finding it very scary and uncomfortable to be experiencing this all alone, and also i am very conscious that god is with me all the time and that maybe having other people around and involved would only impede my process.

how can something so uncomfortable be so comforting?

does anyone get what i mean when i say that?

today my doctor did the most intense bodywork on me that we have ever done in the year we've been doing this.

i have way too much to say for a post from the wii. i guess that's kinda the point of my being in a releasing phase. i'll have to find other ways to get this all out.

whoa.

peaceofpie @ 2008-06-11T16:21:00

2008-06-11T20:26:45Z

ok, this is the plan.

i'm going to go put some clothes on
and then i'm going to see if i can drive.
if i can drive, i'm going to drive to...yoga class

i just called them and they definitely have a "yoga therapy" class tonight well-suited for a transgender person recovering from chest surgery and they are looking forward to seeing me in half an hour for the pre-class meditation.

think good thoughts for this body.

peaceofpie @ 2008-06-09T19:55:00

2008-06-09T23:58:39Z

still really swollen
especially under my arms
but other than that i'm doing great :D

PLEASE come visit me, i've hardly seen any people since thursday and it's lonely here!

peaceofpie @ 2008-06-07T18:27:00

2008-06-07T23:13:47Z

operation shower: resounding success! :D

my bathroom is soaked. this is totally okay.

my hands are getting better REALLY fast. i can already clench my fists again and support my body weight in a sitting-up position with my hands either flat or in fists.

even my doctor, who's had WAY more faith than i have in my body's ability to heal itself this past year, was amazed by how quickly my hands have been coming back. i may be able to start massage school as soon as july.

i'm still taking it really easy. one day at a time. i'm not going to rush anything. i'll wait as long as i have to, to make sure i heal properly.

this body i have right now is an ABSOLUTE FUCKING MIRACLE.

my next projects include:
-learning sign language while i'm resting
-starting a daily practice of EXTREMELY GENTLE yoga, with the goal of working up to being able to do a more physically intense routine as my body heals
-calling some local yoga centers that offer inexpensive yoga classes well-suited for someone recovering for surgery (of which there are actually quite a few in indianapolis, several potentially within walking distance of my apartment!)
-getting my application for massage school in, ASAP, and figuring out how that money thing might work since it costs a good bit of it.

as you can see, typing has become a lot easier! but i'm still not going to be doing a WHOLE lot of it (so PLEASE call me instead of IMing if you can!), so that i continue to get better. :)

also, since some of you are particularly amused by drama, and some of you appreciate when i attempt to respond constructively to people who use the internet to be mean, i bring you this forum thread</i>. context: "Mitch-o-crat" and "Mitch from prison" are the same person; I guess Mitch got banned from the board, though i really don't spend enough time there to know whether it was because of his comments to me, and "banning" isn't really taken too seriously on those forums anyway, which is fine with me, i don't really believe in "banning" people from the internet anyway. ;-) as i mentioned in my response, he is someone i really don't know that well and haven't talked to in almost a year, but we've definitely had a few really good conversations in the past and he seems like a generally intelligent and socially conscious (in the "social justice" sense, not the "socially appropriate" sense) sort of guy.

well, it's definitely taken me about 2 1/2 hours to type this post and my reply to that thread, so i'm definitely through with typing for tonight. much love :)

peaceofpie @ 2008-06-07T04:58:00

2008-06-07T09:55:48Z

i am doing amazing
tired, sore, resting, taking enormously good care of myself.
i am MAJORLY avoiding typing (this update is brought to you by wiimote) so please do not expect much typed communication from me until i'm healed. i am happy to get emails and comments, and unlikely to respond. so, PLEASE CALL ME!! or better, come visit if you're close enough! or send me mail! i'm REALLY appreciating the postbox love. :)

it's just as well i'm not really trying to update here. there really just aren't words for how intense this whole I HAVE A TOTALLY NEW BODY NOW thing is.

peaceofpie @ 2008-06-03T17:05:00

2008-06-03T21:10:06Z

rough night. woke up in a lot of pain. i'm going to be avoiding typing for awhile. holding arms up causes terrible swelling.

always grateful for phone calls!!

love you all :)

news from the recovery front

2008-06-03T21:06:17Z

I'M GONNA GET MY ARMS BACK :D
i woke up this morning and could clench my fists.
first time in months i could squeeze that tight.

have miracle-channeled some extra funding for a few months of netflix!
and possible also a MASSAGE TABLE.

saw my doc today. recovering nicely but still worried about blood pressure. i have decided this is my body's message that i have some fear issues to work on.

it's going to be an awkward next few months while my body sorts itself out but i think i will end up in a body i love, once i heal up and get strong again.

i am trying to honor every moment of this process, even the painful and terrifying ones.

peaceofpie @ 2008-06-02T05:14:00

2008-06-02T09:36:54Z

my brain keeps spontaneously overloading me with sensations which temporarily render me cognitively nonfunctional
it is impossible to think about practical things when my body suddenly decides that if i move my arms i will stop breathing and die, or insisting that anything even remotely approaching the possibility of someone or something touching my sternum means YOU WILL BE CUT OPEN AND DIE, or that the smell of blood means GOING TO DIE.
as long as i stay relaxed and rest and take enough painkillers i'm still doing great, and mostly ok, but i think this is becoming rough on my caretaker, and i know it's making it very difficult for me to (a) plan ahead for anything further in advance than a couple hours or so, or (b) feel safe being alone.

my body informs me that, anesthesia or no anesthesia, that whole getting pumped full of drugs and letting people chop my chest up on wednesday was some SCARY HARDCORE SHIT, and it KNOWS what happened even if i don't "remember", and HELL if it's gonna let me put it in danger like that again!

as disorienting and scary as it is to discover that i'm basically having ptsd from the surgery, i'm kinda excited and amazed by how totally fucking awesome my body is at keeping me alive.

badass adventures in post-op maintenance

2008-06-02T01:39:01Z

drain broke
freaked out for 5 seconds
called surgeon
solution: duct tape.

DUCT TAPE IS NOW PART OF MY BODY!!!

also: maxi pads are a good substitute for surgical gauze. they are sticky on one side and more easily obtainable for FREE.

peaceofpie @ 2008-06-01T00:25:00

2008-06-01T04:31:07Z

oh MY GOD.

i took the vest off
it looks amazing.

HOLY FUCK.

it's a fucking work of ART. OH MY GOD. and...it's ATTACHED!! to ME!!!

i promise i will post photos as soon as possible

AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

...the skin is soooooooooo sensitive. WHOA.

peaceofpie @ 2008-05-30T21:54:00

2008-05-31T02:00:16Z

nerve responses are SO FUCKING COOL!!!

i have learned more about neurology in the last 48 hours than i could EVER have learned in school

<33333 my body :)

(can't really type easily)